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Life Sucks And Then You Die
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Aug. 17th, 2005 @ 03:03 am
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Yes, once again life sucks. For everyone that cannot stand my bitching, leave now. don't complain later about the content of this log, you have the chance to run away now.
Good, still here? You wanna read me rant..
This night I got seriously fed up with the uncertainty involving a certain girl so I asked her about it. She told me she thinks it's better to be friend, apparently she feels no sparks. Too bad, I'm in love and I got shot down again. Long time ago that this happened, still hate the feeling. I feel sick to the stomach and mad at the fucking world about it. Why can't she like me, love me, whatever. But cannot force her, so I'm just gonna be friends. My stupid feelings instantly say "hey, maybe friendship will turn into love", but my mind knows my heart is bullshitting me. Love is nothing more than a cocktail of hormones infesting your brain, making you do stuff a normal person wouldn't do. You go temporarily insane. Love sucks and I just can't get enough of it. I wonder wether or not I will EVER end up with a relationship that lasts for a long time. Is it me or is it them?
And then I have this Ex girlfriend. See keeps bitching on about how I'm not clear enough to her. I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE. Sure, she wants to be friends. If you want to be my friend, quit pissing me off with your depressive "The world hates me, I hate the world" shit, quite degenerating me with you goddamn remarks and don't poke your nose into stuff that is none of your bloody business. What I do with other woman and who I fall in love with and when is entirely up to me and you cannot control me. No shit people don't like you, you keep pissing everybody off! Oh, and if you happen to fucking read this, FINE, I don't give a shit anymore. And NO I won't translate it, learn english, like the rest of the world.
So yeah, the world can go fuck itself right about now.
Hey, while I'm bitching, let's talk about the "Fast check" in the supermarket. It clearly states "Only BASKETS, No CARTS" so what do those ignorant "I won't read signs" housewives do? Right, they pile up their stuff from their CART into a basket and squeeze their cart through the aisle. Wich of course doesn't fit because it's TOO TIGHT. So lifting of said cart has to be done, a lot of slowing down the line and no-one says a damn thing about it. Not even the little girl behind the counter that is SUPPOSSED to say something about it keeps her mouth shut. That sort of shit can really piss me off.
Well, enough miserable shit from my part, if you don't like it, I don't care.Mood:  Fuck You Music: Limp Bizkit - My way |
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Sexual Hell test, ripped from Sna
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Aug. 2nd, 2005 @ 05:48 pm
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HELL LEVEL 1
Raw score: 52% |
You're a fallen angel. There's some innocence there, but the sexual dark side has called you and, possibly, is already using you. But, still, you're naughty, not evil; dirty, not filthy. You're certainly hellbound, and you'll most likely seek out other imps like yourself to work your wicked will. There might be a moral core inside you, but it's been overtaken by lust. Things weren't always this way, were they?
When you finally accepted your urges, did you find the nectar too sweet to go without? No? Isn't nectar on the salty side anyway? You know how it tastes. For now, you might just be nibbling on forbidden fruit, but you'll soon be swallowing it whole.
AVOID: the heavenbound. Your path is downward, and you'll need a guide. |
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My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 19% on hellish |
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Oh yeah
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Jul. 9th, 2005 @ 05:44 pm
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Part Passionate Kisser |
For you, kissing is about all about following your urges
If someone's hot, you'll go in for the kiss - end of story
You can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kisses
A total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble | Part Playful Kisser |
Kissing is a huge game for you, a way to flirt and play
You're the first one to suggest playing spin the bottle at a party
Or you'll go for the wild kiss during a game of truth or dare
And you're up for kissing any sexy stranger if the mood is right! |
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Stimuli
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Jun. 28th, 2005 @ 11:36 am
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I need Stimuli... Ever since I broke up with my girlfriend, the urge to stimulate my senses has grown. More alcohol, louder music, faster cycling.. I need the impulses and I don't know why...
I'll be fine |
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Missing
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May. 29th, 2005 @ 11:13 pm
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It has been a long time I have posted on this LiveJournal.. I decided to just keep my normal web-log that you can find here: http://stormcrow.web-log.nl . It is in dutch, but it is much easier for me to keep up. I just don't have the motivation to translate everything I post in dutch to english on this LJ. But since my ability to express my deeper emotions is better in english than in dutch, I keep this LJ for the more serious stuff. So, on to the serious stuff then....
Lately I keep having the feeling there is a part of my life that is missing. As if there is a certain action or object that can be attached to my psyche that would make me a complete and whole and happy person. It is as if I have hidden parts of me underneath my subconscious and have trouble reaching.
Today I have once again realised that I am the most happy and the most truly alive when I am with friends. Friends that larp, friends that do not fear intimacy and hugs. It's strange, as if the parts that I need to unlock in my brain, my mind, my soul perhaps, are indeed unlocked by them and I can be Me. Accepted as I am, treated as equal. I feel I need to learn more about the way I am, about Me, before I can be Me around other people as well. Sometimes it feels like I'm numb, or jaded even, like nothing can really surprise or amaze me... that is sad really, because deep down I know that the world is a wonderful place and nothing is to be taken for granted, but I just feel very neutral about a lot of things...
I'm thinking of doing Reiki. Suus has performed Reiki on me several times now and it's addictive and I think it might help me get in touch with more of Me..
We'll see..Mood:  gloomy |
| » Damn this darkness and damn the night that brings it |
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It's the end of the day, well, by now it's almost morning again but what the hell. I feel shitty. For the last couple of days I have it again.. The feeling of unfinished business when nightfall comes. The feeling that I want to accomplisch an unknown task or have a really meaningful conversation with someone, a conversation that goes beyond saying "hi" and "bye". Everytime it gets dark and it's the end of the evening, around 12 o'clock I notice depressive thoughts coming on again. When people leave my surroundings, go offline to go to bed and do the sensible thing. That is when I start to feel alone. Alone in a world that doesn't really care about me and sometimes doesn't even notice me at all. It has been proven so many times to me that I'm invisible to a lot of people. I need to actively participate in stuff to be noticed. I need to be with someone to be invited somewhere. It's weird really, am I that much of a bore?
Now I know that what I say should be nuanced, if that is even an english word. I know that not all of what I say is as bad as it seems. But it does feel that bad. I feel a bit lost in a sea of doubts and I don't quite know where dry land is...
May. 12th, 2005 @ 04:11 am
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| » Toad hunting |
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Yesterday I did some fieldwork. Let's just say I was toadhunting. My evening was mostly about cycling, walking through fields of high grass, crawling over and under barbed wire, listening to toads and then being dissapointed because I didn't hear anything. I was really disappointed, I was doing my best, alone, in the dark, in a desolate place with woods and fields.. and I found nothing.
It's really kind of creepy to walk around there. Every sound you hear, you instantly think there are people about. Strange, how your mind can play with you.
The appointment I had finally been able to get for today to talk about my plan of action was cancelled due to the fact that one of my supervisors got ill. Pity, but now I have time for other things ;) Coming friday I will have an appointment with the one that got sick, and the 23rd I will have an appointment with both my supervisors, the one from school and the one from RAVON. It's going to be about how I plan to bring out an advice, based on my findings.
This afternoon I'm going to take a look at my future tattoo and tonight I'm going to play a little online DnD. Well, not really play, I'm their DM, so I'll be playing with them.. [insert evil laughter]. I'm looking forward to it :D
Tomorrow I'm going to look at how I can improve my "plan de campagne" and that evening I'll be off toadhunting again.. Hopefully I'll find something.
May. 11th, 2005 @ 01:11 pm
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| » Going slightly mad... |
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I'm going mad! Mad because of my graduationproject. Better said, the people that are instated to guide me through it. The supervisor from my school is bitching because she wants to make an appointment to (finally) criticize my plan of action. But when I mail her to get things settled, she doesn't reply. Meanwhile, the supervisor from the foundation I work for, wants to know wether or not the appointment is still on, wich is quite normal ofcourse. It that person so busy she can't even handle an appointment for me? If so, she shouldn't be supervising my graduation.
But be how it may, I'm the one in the middle that's getting it on his plate. When my plan of action is rejected (wich I highly doubt) I have to do that too, along with my other work.
This afternoon I'm going back to Deventer and I guess I'll try to find her personally at school, 'cause if she won't reply to my emails, that's really the only thing I can do..
May. 10th, 2005 @ 10:49 am
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| » The shadow! The shadow? The shadow.... |
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Monday.
Today I have traveled to my parents. I brought my phone and I uploaded "The Gamers" on it. A little (45 minutes) movie about, yes, gamers. A group of DnD-ish geeks, sitting around in a room, playing their game. It's a really great movie, nicely made, great costumes and great humor! Also, it seems to be a must-see amongst larpers.. everybody talks about it...
I showed my bow to my parents, somehow they where moderatly enthousiastic... maybe because it cost me too much money and they know it...
Tonight, I'll take a bath, tomorrow I will travel back to Deventer and in the evening I will to some fieldwork. Let's see if I hear me some garlictoad...
May. 9th, 2005 @ 08:46 pm
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| » Just a test... |
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The Keys to Your Heart
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You are attracted to obedience and warmth. |
In love, you feel the most alive when everything is uncertain, one moment heaven... the next moment hell. |
You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. |
You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance. |
Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. |
Your risk of cheating is low. Even if you're tempted, you'd try hard not to do it. |
You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. |
In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered. |
May. 8th, 2005 @ 01:00 pm
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| » The first.. |
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Hi people, this is my first log on this here Live Journal. I also have a web-log you can find that one here. The reason I have a LJ now is really because "all the other people got one too" and I decided to join the club. In the future you can expect more spamming from me on this here page, maybe I'll maintain both blogs, maybe not, we'll see what time will bring me.
May. 8th, 2005 @ 12:46 pm
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rumble_bird's journal
